


mr brightside

by oceanrosiex



Series: do zombies get distracted by good music [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Apocalypse, Boys Being Boys, Demons, M/M, Wrestling, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 07:33:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6745159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceanrosiex/pseuds/oceanrosiex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo had western pet names for all of them - Tsukishima was "love(ly)", Akaashi was "darling", and Bokuto was "babe". </p><p>Sometimes, the cultural appropriation went a little too far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	mr brightside

**Author's Note:**

> aka the shameless akaashixiwaizumi worshipper one
> 
> also horribly unedited / if there are any questions about this mess of an au please ask me i'll gladly explain

 

 

\---

 

Right before the apocalypse hit Japan, Kuroo had been planning on taking a year off to be an exchange student in America, and knew a fair amount of English to rightly piss off his boyfriends in the most endearing way. Although his accent was still fairly prominent, Oikawa had officially appointed Kuroo as the International Spokesperson of JEZDS if the need for contact with other countries ever came about.

 

But with the perks of being able to speak English, came the absolute downright cringe that pissed off Kuroo’s loved ones to no end.

 

This mainly came in the form of _western pet names_. The horror.

 

Kuroo had western pet names for all of them - Tsukishima was "love(ly)", Akaashi was "darling", and Bokuto was "babe".

 

Sometimes, the cultural appropriation went a little too far.

 

Exhibit A, Akaashi internally groaned. Today was their day off, which was actually supposed to be three weeks ago, but had been pushed back due to the chaos that came with red stars. JEZDS had been hard at work in forgetting regular patrol duty and beginning to guard the Civilization Camps (In case, you know, the red stars starting beaming up people to space! Some refugee women argued, looking directly at Oikawa’s face the entire time. Iwaizumi was very unimpressed.)

 

Three weeks ago, the red stars replaced the usual white diamonds in the sky, and caused the Civilization Camps to panic. Which sucked. For everybody.

 

Nobody wanted to recall the long and tedious details.

 

Therefore, today, their first day off in a long time from guarding scared innocent (and some not so much), the whole patrol company had decided to unwind through what they did best.

 

Lev was slammed down onto the mat, and the poor guy let out an agonized shout, spitting curses at the grinning demon holding him down from above. On the next mat to the side, Ashai groaned at the weight of Bokuto sitting ontop of him. Noya was frantically hitting Bokuto’s back though, forcing the usually strong man to crumble in his defences (but making the situation only worse for the wheezy Ashai).

 

Akaashi sighed as Kuroo’s eyes searched the gym room for his own and groaned when eye contact was made.

 

“OH DARLING!!” He called, grin fitting for a maniac. “Look at who I beat!!”

 

“I see it.” Akaashi said dryly, wondering if Lev could breathe.

 

Bokuto wailed, somehow hearing their conversation over Noya’s consistent punches. “AKAASHI, BE PROUD OF ME TOOOO!!”

 

“I’m proud of you both. Please get off of those poor people now.”

 

“DARLING!!” Kuroo bellowed, effectively shutting up every person in the room. People in the middle of practicing stopped short, knives held to each other's necks, looking exasperated for even turning towards the idiot. Despite the silence, the stares, and the sheer embarrassment of the situation, Akaashi couldn’t even flinch. He was officially Kuroo-desensitized.

 

Or at least, that’s what he thought.

 

Kuroo finally let go of the poor guy and got up, towering over some of the smaller soldiers sitting on the sidelines of the map. Kuroo started to walk towards Akaashi with a predatory grin, and people in his way scrambled to flee. Bokuto must’ve seen what Kuroo was doing and pushed Noya away before escaping and making his way to Akaashi as well.

 

Akaashi sighed. This was probably not going to end well. Not with almost everybody’s attention on the two rapidly advancing men. This is what we get for having pent up frustrations, he internally cursed Oikawa.

 

“Darling.” Kuroo drawled in that _horrible_ accent, tilting his head to the side. “Darling, I'm feeling good." His smirk absolutely split his face open, and already Akaashi braced himself for what was to come. "I can make you feel good too. Right now."

 

Bokutos eyes gleamed. "Damn." He barely whispered, looking between his boyfriends.

 

Akaashi had accidentally caught eye contact with Kuroo and couldn't look away or else Kuroo would win.

 

Then the door slammed open, and Kuroo lost. He scowled when he realized it was just Oikawa and Iwaizumi, but then immediately brightened up when Tsukishima (He ignored Kageyama) followed after. He opened his mouth and waved his hand, to scream “lovely” presumably, but Oikawa beat him to it.

 

“Ohhh, are you guys wrestling? That’s fun, I wanna wrestle too!” He passed by Kuroo and slapped his frozen palm in mid-air, Iwaizumi and Tsukishima trying to hold their laughs in as they passed by the shell-shocked Kuroo.

 

Bokuto grabbed Tsukishima’s wrist and gave him a bright, energetic look. “Tsukki, do you want to get something to eat with me and Akaashi?” Akaashi stood on the side, blinking furiously to fix the burning in his eyes. Tsukishima looked at Iwaizumi nonchalantly, then gave Bokuto a rare good-mood-Tsukki smile. “Yeah, I’m pretty hungry. Let’s go.”

 

Bokuto lit up and the two started to make their way out with Akaashi following them, when all of a sudden -

 

“Hey Oikawa, let's wrestle!” Everybody in the room froze.

 

(Because usually, anybody who challenged Oikawa to wrestling lost. Challenging a prince usually sparked Oikawa's ego, which fired up his competitiveness. Battles usually lasted an hour or longer and Oikawa always remained on top as the winner. Although once, a very long time ago when Iwaizumi was still out in the field, the two had a battle and only Akaashi was there to see who the winner was. The three of them refuse to talk about it, but the people who arrived at JEZDS later have always wondered what really happened only a couple of years ago.)

 

“Why does he have a death wish?” Tsukishima muttered under his breath and Bokuto was rendered speechless. Akaashi’s eyes still burned and he excused himself to go the bathroom. The gym door closed behind him, and Kuroo’s dark look probably increased in power.

 

“You want to wrestle?” Oikawa turned back towards the tall-black haired man and stepped towards him. Kuroo looked reckless, a lazy grin gracing his face but a scary look reflected off in his eyes.  “Yeah. You said you wanted to right?” He spoke slowly, in what might have been an imitation of a western drawl??

 

“Yes.” Oikawa was now face to face with Kuroo. “I did say I wanted to. Do you want to?” Iwaizumi sighed and some people in the room shifted uneasily. “I want to. Shall we?” Kuroo gestures to the nearest mat, where Ashai and Noya scramble to jump to the side. Oikawa now has his competitive glint in his eyes and gestures to the mat as well. “Ladies first.” He smirks, and Kuroo’s grin immediately turns upside down and he cracks his knuckles.

 

Tsukishima is shaking his head and mumbling about how god hates him and the ones he loves. Bokuto thinks he’s hard but he also doesn’t think he’s really even capable of thinking anymore.

 

The two tall men made their way over to the mat at the same time, and for a while...just stared at each other. Meekly in the background, Hinata worriedly looks at Kageyama whose eyes are trained on Oikawa. “Hey, are they gonna be okay? They don’t have anything to protect themselves.” It was true. Kuroo only had on a black t-shirt and shorts along with Bokuto’s infamous knee-pads. Oikawa had today off, but still wore his fitted commander uniform. “They both have gloves on.” Kageyama murmured, and Hinata punched him. “Those are pieces of fingerless cloth wrapped around their hands.” He deadpans and Kageyama shrugs. “Look, they're the ones that are being too dominant. Let them fight it out.” He says and Hinata frowns, but let's it go.

 

There was a dark aura emanating from both of them, and finally after about five minutes of _nothing_ , Iwaizumi yelled, “GO DUMBASSES.”

 

Every soldier in the gym watched in anticipation as Kuroo lashed out.

 

Oikawa was taken by surprised and it cost him a stab in the gut. He staggers back in shock and faces Kuroo’s high and mighty smirk with a fiery glare. He jumps back and grabs Kuroo by the neck, swinging around and forcing him down - _hard_. Kuroo groans and the punches start to fly.

 

Some of the younger boys in the room turn away. Kuroo is yelling as he grabs Oikawa and flips them around, immediately giving him the same treatment. The punches don't seem to be as brutal as they could be, but both men's defenses are sharp and incredibly precise. Oikawa throws Kuroo off, and scrambles to get to his feet. Within moments, the two are standing and attacking the other while slowly rotating in a circle.

 

All around the gym, boys whisper to each other, wondering how Oikawa managed to throw Kuroo off his body when Kuroo probably weighed more. A majority of them have really never seen Oikawa fight before, Iwaizumi thinks and chuckles under his breath.

 

There's no blood yet, but both are already pretty bruised, and there's a dark bruise slowly forming under Oikawa's right eye. The gym doors swing open, where Sugawara and Daichi finds where most of the solders have disappeared off to on their break day, and as soon as Sugawara sees the bruise he thinks ‘well fuck Oikawa everybody outside this room is going to go batshit crazy when you step outside’. Daichi’s mouth is open again, and Suga sighs warily and grabs his boyfriend's arm, gently tugging him to the side and settle near Tsukishima and Bokuto.

 

Tsukishima is flipping out. He knows Kuroo can take care of himself. He knows that this is just a friendly wrestling match between friends. He knows that Kuroo is probably fine. He knows. _He knows, he knows, he knows_ **_but he's still terrified_ ** . He's watching Kuroo dodge and fight back but he can't help but imagine Kuroo missing, _or Kuroo getting hit_ , **_or Kuroo falling down and not getting up again_ **.

 

 _Damn. When did I get so protective_ , Tsukishima bitterly thinks to himself. _That stupid bed-haired idiot got himself into it. Whatever comes out is his fault._

 

Still, Tsukishima bites his lip after Kuroo’s lip gets busted open.

 

Bokuto is silent, watching the two fight with big owl eyes. His stomach growls, but he ignores it.

 

The gym door opens quietly and Akaashi pokes his head in, wondering where his boyfriends were. And then he sees Oikawa and Kuroo fighting and it clicks.

 

“Oh.” He says quietly, and slips into the room. Nobody notices him walk towards Iwaizumi who nods at him and he does the same. The intensity and concentration in the gym is unusually high, Akaashi thinks, but it isn’t too bad. He hopes Kuroo doesn’t get too banged up. He still has to go out in the field tomorrow.

 

The room has a low murmur running through it, caused by people whispering about their thoughts on the whole thing or what was going to happen next. Oikawa's grunts fill in the empty spaces of silence, and Kuroos sporadic yelling kills the quiet for a few seconds, bringing the growing suspense up and down climaxes. Daichi mutters “They shouldn't be doing this” and Suga agrees. “The camp leaders are going to give him hell tomorrow.” He frowns at Oikawa and Daichi is confused. “I don't really think that's the problem here-” he starts but Suga narrows his eyes at the back of Oikawa’s head. “I hope you have makeup in your room asshole, we’re gonna need a lot of it to make you look fucking human.”

 

Daichi gives up and turns back to the fight and prays. Near Iwaizumi, Akaashi doesn’t worry at all and waits patiently for the fight to end.

 

Kuroo hits Oikawa’s gut with extreme force and he gasps, a loud sound resonating throughout the gym and now some older men looked away. Both are panting heavily and they take a short break, still poised in defense and circling around each other. Oikawa is wheezing a little, and Kuroo’s lip is now profusely bleeding. Tsukishima is fighting himself to interrupt the stupid fight right then and there.

 

Iwaizumi carefully watches the long battle and notices how Suga is about to pop in and break up the fight himself, and Tsukishima’s reaction to Kuroo’s lip is a little frenzied. He decides that the two idiots have both established their dominance well enough, and that the fight has gone on long enough.

 

“Hey. We’re done.” Iwaizumi steps onto the mat, and it’s like everything happens at once.

 

Everybody in the room gasps or holds their breath as Iwaizumi’s foot lands on the mat, and Kuroo and Oikawa immediately turn towards him. Both are panting heavily and they’ve got a crazy glint in their eyes but Oikawa’s eyes are full of sudden pulsating fear.

 

Kuroo doesn’t hesitate in screaming as he loses his sanity in a punch, by a steel fist, directed towards Iwaizumi’s face.

 

The entire room seems to run out of oxygen when Iwaizumi catches Kuroo’s fist on impact, twists it around and slams Kuroo’s entire body on the ground. Oikawa immediately goes to step on Kuroo’s defenseless stomach but Iwaizumi back-kicks him square in the knees - making him crumble to the ground leaving him wheezy. Everybody is stunned in frozen silence.

 

Akaashi has to hide his laugh in his baggy sweater sleeves.

 

Iwaizumi yawns, pats Kuroo on the back, and slowly gets up. He stretches his arms as he walks over to Oikawa. He looms over the dazed commander with a smirk. “Hey dumbass, I said we’re done. Let’s go get you cleaned up.” Oikawa mumbles something incomprehensible and Suga breaks, and rushes to stand over Oikawa’s head, a furious aura emanating from the fourth commander.

 

“Sugaaaa-chan?” Oikawa looks like a concussed kid, and Sugawara is ready to throw him outside the base compound in the middle of the night. “I hope a zombie eats your face and then spits it back out, because it’s disgusting right now.” Daichi, Kageyama and Hinata followed Suga and formed a circle around the confused Oikawa. Hinata and Daichi snicker, and Oikawa looks back and forth from laughing people. “Wass the joohke...I missed the funnieeee…” Sugawara looks 140% done with Oikawa and grabs his ankle. Hinata and Daichi continue to crack up at how stupid their commander is after a fight like that, and Kageyama watches Sugawara’s method of ankle-pulling with great interest. Iwaizumi could actually care less and waves to Akaashi as the little parade leaves the room for the nurse ward.

 

Meanwhile, the rest of the soldiers swarm a near-unconscious Kuroo, clapping him on the back and congratulating him for a tie with the great Commander Oikawa and actually surviving. Tsukishima pushes them all out of the way though and attacks Kuroo to give him a very life-threatening hug. “You’re such a fucking idiot.” He hisses into Kuroo’s ear. “I fucking hate you and I hope a zombie eats your dick.”

 

Kuroo smiles as best as he can with the busted lip and seems happy despite the pain. “Love you too.” He murmurs and relaxes in Tsukishima’s hold, his eyes fluttering with exhaustion.

 

“KUROO!!” His eyes open at that familiar voice and he smiles again for Bokuto who gives him another cuddly hug, and laughs a little at the kisses that are suddenly pressed up against his neck. “Hi babe!” He laughs and Bokuto breathlessly laughs a little with him but really they can both feel it and to be quite honest, _everyone_ can **_see_** **_it_**.

 

“My room?” Bokuto whispers in Kuroo’s ear, and he nods aggressively, pupils dilating a tiny bit again. “Now, now, now. Lovely too. And darling.” Suddenly snapping out of it, Kuroo looks a little bit like a lost puppy as he asks again “Darling? Where’s my darling?”

 

The crowd parts and Kuroo suddenly feels a bit like Moses as the shining angel that is Akaashi shines through. His darling in his cute baggy sweater literally opens the sea of people and he walks towards Kuroo and kneels down, giving him an adorable smile.

 

“Honey.” He coos, and all the blood in his boyfriends immediately go south.

 

He pulls out a handkerchief and gently wipes some of the blood away from Kuroo’s mouth. His eyes are a little playful but his voice is still soft as he starts to talk and a hush kind of falls over the crowd.

 

“You shouldn't pick a fight with those two.” He tsks, and helps Kuroo get up. “Let's take you to the nurse ward.” Bokuto takes an arm and Tsukishima follows the three as they hobble out of the room, leaving the rest of the soldiers to marvel at this newborn legend that happened on their seemingly normal day off.

 

“There’s a reason why they’re at the top.” Akaashi says quietly as they walk away from the gym. Tsukishima and Bokuto don’t say anything, and Kuroo’s limp becomes a little more dejected.

 

“But you did really good.” All three of them turn to the small man in surprise. Akaashi is smiling and they're melting and praising whatever supernatural force gave them the precious treasure that is Akaashi. “I'm proud of you honey.” Akaashi giggles at his bad pronunciation of honey but Kuroo is absolutely beaming in happiness.

 

Tsukishima feels better with Akaashi in his lovey-dovey mood to distract them from Kuroo’s injuries a little. Now that everything is right with his world again, Bokuto feels pretty safe to say “Hey, guys I'm still hungry. And hard, but-”

 

The rest of them break out into laughter and the walk to the nurse ward is very pleasant, and even bad western pet names can’t stop the good mood.

 

\---

 

Later, Iwaizumi is standing on the roof of the base, watching the sunset. The door to the roof opens, and he turns around to see Akaashi close the door and they wave to each other.

 

“Isn’t this cliche, even for your standards?” Akaashi asks with a slight smile, walking towards the rail and a beer held loosely in his hand. Iwaizumi rolls his eyes but he’s smiling too. “Did you forget we have a patrol duty in the base?” Akaashi shrugs. “That’s not my job, so I don’t really care.” Iwaizumi laughs. “You’re so straightforward, and your boyfriends treat you like a god for it.”

 

Akaashi giggles. “They do, and I love them for thinking average is the new it.”

 

Iwaizumi holds his hand out and Akaashi passes him the bottle. He was always a lightweight anyways. “Don’t you think in this new world, being average is what everybody wishes they could be again?”

 

The two of them fall quiet after Iwaizumi says that. They simply watch the sun sink farther and farther below the horizon, and watch as the first glimpses of the red stars return in a dark-black-night canvas.

 

“Hey, you ever gonna tell anybody what happened when you and Oikawa wrestled?”

 

“Nah. They don’t need to know.” Akaashi hums.

 

Barely half a bottle already makes him feel confident enough to ask “Do you miss it?”

 

“Miss what?” Shrinking into himself a little, Iwaizumi remembers that he doesn’t like the taste of beer and that he really prefers water instead.

 

“Miss being a soldier.”

 

“I am a soldier.”

 

“When was the last time you killed a zombie or sent a demon back to hell?”

 

Iwaizumi says nothing.   


“I bet you must be so internally frustrated right now. I bet what happened today when you stepped on that mat wasn’t even training at your caliber.”

 

Iwaizumi takes another long drink anyways.

 

“I bet you would take any job that puts you on the field - anything to get you back into the action. For you to fight.”

 

Iwaizumi finally snickers. “Akaashi, have you watched the Avengers?”

 

Akaashi is very unimpressed with the topic change but goes along with it anyways. “Yes, a long time ago though. What about it?”

 

Iwaizumi smiles broadly and Akaashi suddenly realizes how the red stars illuminate people’s face in a weird way. Iwazumi face isn’t really illuminated, but almost glowing like lava underneath the surface of Vesuvius. “I think I’m the Hulk.”

 

Akaashi snorts. “Well, you are very strong. But you’re only as strong as human gets.”

 

“Strength is only a characteristic built by physical training. I think I’m like the Hulk the most mentally.”

 

Akaashi is laughing, he can’t handle how ridiculous the conversation is, **_like_ ** _how is Iwaizumi so serious and inspiration about this_. “Please explain how.” He chokes out.

 

“That line in the movie where he says ‘that’s my secret. I’m always angry.’ It’s amazing. It’s my life in three words.” Iwaizumi is so damn proud of himself and Akaashi is dying, there are tears running out of his eyes.

 

“We live in Japan, not America!” Akaashi cracks up. “I swear to god, everybody in this base is fucking obsessed with english pet names and movies and shit. We haven’t heard from America in years - that country’s probably safe from all this bull in the middle of the fucking ocean.”

 

“We’re in the middle of the ocean too.”

 

“Yeah, but-” Iwaizumi is laughing hard at this point as well and Akaashi gives up and they’re laughing at what, who even knows anymore. It’s the apocalypse, they’ll laugh whenever they damn well feel like it.

 

“Sorry for beating up Kuroo today.” Iwaizumi finally says after they calm down. The quiet of the night is starting to creep over the Civilization Camps, brightly lit by fluorescent street lamps below on ground level. “How is he? I know that’s why you came up here-”

 

“No it’s not.” Akaashi interrupts. “He’s fine, I’ll tell him when I get back.” Akaashi smiles. “I just had a feeling you’d be up here.” He shakes his head fondly at Iwaizumi’s slightly surprised look. “What? I have to have an excuse to want to talk to my friend?”

 

“Friend?”

 

“Idiot - you, your boyfriend and I were the first to show up at this place. We’ve been here the longest. Fucking friends.”

 

Iwaizumi laughs again at that and Akaashi can’t help but join in, red stars sparkling in the sky above them, their dumb boyfriends resting soundly in the buildings below, everything all right in the world even if it was only for a few moments.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> in this universe, akaashi and iwaizumi are actual bff's taking care of extra boyfriends and nOBODY can convince me otherwise
> 
> this is really short, but hopefully I'll have another longer installment up soon! be on the lookout :)
> 
> kudos and comments are very appreciated!!!


End file.
